Now I know who my true friends and real friends are.

True friends will tell you everything that you need to, even if you already knew them.

True friends will ask you to join them in shopping, eating, etc, even if you might reject them.

True friends will not brush your bad moods off and go off with someone else.

True friends will still call and ask you if you would like to join them in a 5-min spot of shopping, eating, etc, even if they know you are tired and want to go home. They just want to cheer you up.

True friends will treat you as such and not only come to you/talk to you when they have nobody else available.

True friends will be sincere in their relationships with you and will let you know straight up if you have something undesirable going on.

True friends will update you on many things that happened in your absence because they know you want so badly to be in the thick of things, just that you can’t.

True friends agree to keep secrets for you and really do it.

True friends are unassuming and non-judgemental – they will not smile and nod in your presence, and turn away to gossip with other people about what you have just said.

True friends are just that – true to themselves and to you.

 

Based on the above, I don’t see many true friends around me.

Being alone opens my eyes up to a lot of things.

I can see clearer, see better, see further.

I truly understand the workings of life, the mysteries of the living and the complexities of human behaviour.

It’s weird how it takes a major event like this to make me see and understand, but at least I do now.

 

Why is it that I can’t even go home without any mention of the dreaded work I have to face next year?

Packed my bag of exam papers and all ready to go home, went downstairs to indicate my exit, and there she was, all smiling with an arm outstretched. “Come, Joanna, I need to talk to you.”

And so, it was another 40 minutes of grill and torture, another 40 minutes of cajoling, humouring and persuading. I’m so sick and tired of this; I’ve already uttered my consent grudgingly the other time, didn’t I? Why a second round now?

This time, the talk was peppered with assignments for me for the coming holidays.

I’m really tired. Really.

This time I didn’t cry, but I felt no less upset. It’s distressing. It’s stressful. And I just want to get out.

I almost burst out into tears this afternoon. In the presence of 3 of the most highly-ranked people in my working place. I was tearing already before I left the place, and thankfully nobody saw it.

I feel so pressured. I was almost forced into accepting something I did not want. They looked like they didn’t want to let me go unless I say yes. In the end I was pressured to say yes just so that I could go before bursting into tears and looking like a fool.

I don’t know why I don’t want what they are offering me, but I just feel uncomfortable about it. I really don’t like it, and regardless of how much I kept rejecting them, they took turns to cajole, humour and persuade me. I almost lost it and wanted to just snap at them, telling them that I really don’t want it and that I don’t care what they are going to do to me after this, but then one of them has helped me a great deal since I entered this place and I didn’t want to offend her.

When they finally let me go after I grudgingly said a shaking yes, I had tears in my eyes even before I walked out of that room. Walking up the stairs to get my bag to go home, I avoided eye contact with everyone, hoping no one would ask me why I was crying.

Then I cried the whole cab ride home. The driver must have thought I was freaking mad. And I am. Not mad as in crazy, although I guess I would be sooner or later, but mad as in really livid. I’m so angry at myself for giving in to pressure, so angry with them for trying their best to keep me in the room until I nod my head.

When can I ever be happy again?

Why do I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me?

 

Maybe because it is.

Recently I’ve been going jogging to spend some much needed time with myself. I need to stop and think of what I’m going to do now. Not about work, but about life.

Sometimes I get the urge to just want to end everything, but then I start to think of the stuff I’ve yet to do and I hesitate. Yes, work is getting me down, but it’s nothing I cannot do. However, when life gets me down, there is nothing I CAN do.

Still have no wish to edit my status anywhere else, purely because I’m still pondering over certain things. There are many things to be said, many things to be done, but I don’t see myself saying or doing anything. Maybe it’s because I’m really really tired. I just don’t want to continue with it anymore, it’s pointless if it continues.

I’m still going to take time to think, but I guess the word’s almost final.

Are we not entitled to a proper day of rest on a holiday like today?

Even on a working day, are we not entitled to some peace and quiet when we are back home?

It’s hilarious how I can receive calls anytime from work – calls from the top management no less.

I mean, sure tell me the gory details on Wednesday when I go back to work – the information is not exactly urgent anyway. But no, I get a call at 11am this morning, receiving information that I can only use next year. I mean, thanks for making my holiday one of rest and relaxation.

The fact that I get calls on holidays or when I’m sick already irks me, but when the content of the call is about something I have no wish to know or to take part in, I get even more upset. I really don’t want all this crap at all. And if you really have to do this, then have the decency to ask if I’m willing, won’t you?

Because I’m not. Absolutely not. But my opinion doesn’t matter, only my physical presence does.

I’ve been immersing myself in work these days, hoping I wouldn’t think stuff that I don’t want to. It’s been pretty much working, except when I take that long and ardous journey home and during the night when I mostly cry myself to sleep. It’s a wonder I don’t turn up for work with swollen eyes.

Been thinking a lot lately with some inputs from buddies – a question keeps popping up from them: Why is FB not updated? My reply: Why must it be?

I don’t really want to change status quo, don’t really want to admit anything, don’t really want to face up to anything. I know I’ll have to, but I’d rather later than sooner. Being an ostrich right now kinda appeals to me.

Oh well. Things might change, things might not. Whatever it is, I’ll just grin and bear it. People see a side of me that seems ok, but deep down, who really knows what I go through?

I’m tired.

Really tired.

Of work, of friendships, of life.

I used to, and still do, think that people who want to end their own lives are stupid and dumb. Why would they want to throw their life away over something trivial? There are countless people out there who are suffering much more than these thoughtless ones who want to end their lives.

I still think they are pretty stupid and totally selfish, to themselves and to their loved ones. But I somehow understand the pent-up frustration they must have felt during that period. It’s stifling. It really is.

Now, I just want to focus on what I have to do. I’ll just do it and hope for my better opportunity to realise faster. It’s moving too slowly for my own good.

It’s interesting how a once-thought-of-as-close friend has left me out in the loop over certain things. Yet, other people get to hear it from this person first.

I wonder why some people can be so possessive. Everytime something happens, she demands to know and to want to be in the centre of things. But when it so happens that she is not the first one to know, or she is not somehow sitting in the middle of the action, she gets upset. Things must always be done with her around, otherwise I’ll be seen as leaving her out and probably not wanting her as a friend or something. But then, now that THIS certain thing has happened, I’m the last to know. You told another person and not me.  So what does this mean?

Sure, if you want it to be this way, so be it.

On another note, I’m glad that the ideas are coming thick and fast. Seems like I won’t be here for much longer, and I’m glad.