things are getting slightly better now. i think.

can’t really do anything about it also. already decided to leave it in God’s hands, and leave it in God’s hands i will.

Praise God, thank You for answering my prayers.

of a new start

alright.

It’s been some time since I logged in here. Am going to pick it up again, hopefully I’ll have happier things to write about.

About that particular issue, it’s not resolved entirely, but I’m leaving it all in God’s hands now. He decides when it should be resolved, how it should be resolved and even if it should be resolved. Obviously I want it to be resolved and back to normal, but if God has His own plans for me then His will be done, not mine.

On another note, the school year is ending and another one is coming. Time really flies. One year ago, I was complaining about certain responsibilities I had. One year along, I’m still complaining about certain responsibilities I have. Haha.

So many things have happened in this past year that I don’t really know how I went through them. God’s lifting me up with His hand, holding me so I don’t fall.

Again the same topic : friends or colleagues?

manipulation

Haven’t been updating. Partly due to lack of time, partly because I didn’t feel the need to.

I think I’ve done it again. I’ve manipulated things such that now I have to bear the consequences of my actions. I use the word “manipulated” because I can’t think of any other word to describe the situation I landed myself in. I don’t think I had bad intentions when I first started, like what the word might mean in a certain way. I started off with the best of intentions, but somehow along the way, due to certain decisions I made, things turned out horrible.

I’m really sorry if now you have given up. I’m really sorry if now you don’t see the need anymore to tell me stuff. I’m really sorry if now you have second thoughts about me, about how I’m not quite who you think I am.

I guess I’m just trying to keep it alive. Unfortunately it backfired in the worst way possible.

I’m really sorry for what I’ve done. I know I can’t exactly turn back time now, you said you understand, but do you really? I get the sense that you are still upset, but I really don’t know how else I can take back the words I said or the decisions I made. I can only hope time will let you forget and forgive.

Let’s go back to the way we were ok?

Of fullstops

It’s finally over.

After much heartache and tears, I’ve finally found the courage to end it. The things to settle now are piling up, but I guess now I can’t complain.

On another similar note, I’ll be ending another thing too. Finally decided the path I want to go and this place now is not the one.

I’ve been making people angry. I hope things will be ok soon.

Of musings

Just needed some time to pen down my thoughts.

Writing has always been a form of stress relief for me. Maybe this came from when I was younger, I used to keep a diary (Hello Kitty, no less) and wrote down what happened to me during the day and how I felt. I realised I always felt better after writing down everything I felt.

My strength and energy levels are really depleting. I don’t feel excited or even nervous anymore. I need a sign, a sign which tells me I’m on the right track, but I’ve been waiting for such a long time. Maybe I just need some rest, or maybe I need someone to tell me it’s ok. But whatever it is, I know that right now, at this very moment, I’m just tired.

I’m very grateful for help given to me at times of need, even from people whom I never expected the help to come from. This really made me see that I’ve been so narrow-minded in the past, waiting to jump at any chance to condemn someone. I guess it’s all about opening my heart and allowing time to wash everything negative away. Someone recently said “We need to keep learning and not think that we already know everything.” I used to think I know much more than many other people, little did I know that my knowledge is really just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much more that I don’t know and that I didn’t use to want to know. Now, I think it’s really time for me to do a personal revamp. Clear up old debris, install new beginnings.

Been contemplating a move lately, but this move means everything to me. If it succeeds, good. If it fails, woe be me.

Of Home

This is home.

Truly, where I know I must be.

Where my dreams wait for me.

Where the river always flows.

 

This is home.

Surely, as my senses tell me.

This is where I won’t be alone.

For this is where I know it’s home.

I think this has to be my favourite National Day song. Somehow, it evokes an undescribable feeling in me everytime I hear or sing this.

Of what it means to be lonely

I lost it again.

When will I ever learn? Today I received a lesson.

Don’t just walk out anymore. I need to knock some sense into my own head.

But sometimes it’s just so difficult.

Of new endings and old beginnings

It’s been 5 weeks since the term started, and I’m relatively relieved that I made the right decision at the start of the year. However, the consequences of this decision meant that I’ve now more responsibilities than ever. Not sure if I should be happy about that, but at least I get a chance to voice out my feelings and opinions.

I know what I want to do in the near future, but I don’t get much support from where I want it. If I don’t get to pursue my dreams, I’ll just be unhappy with where I am now, and currently it’s just not working out for me. I’m not sure if it’s the environment – although I have some great working partners – but I guess I’m probably not cut out for it.

A recent formal “inspection” revealed to me that there are people who are much much stronger on the “stage” (where we “perform”) than I am. It’s probably nothing, but I feel like I’m not appreciated in what I thought I’m good in. Of course, I’m not perfect, nobody is, but I think I fare relatively well in that area. If it’s true that I am worthless there, then why am I still fighting my way through? It’s pointless anyway.

On another note, something has finally ended. I’m just really tired right now. The nights have been horrible for me, and the mornings have been unbearable. I hope time will really deliver what it promises to do – heal all wounds.

Of new beginnings

I should be jumping for joy right now. I should be shouting with excitement and happiness at this moment.

I have gotten what I want. Or almost have. It’s probably just a matter of time that I get it. This is something I have been wishing for since the start of the year. And now, it’s actually coming true.

I don’t know how to feel suddenly. I feel relieved and grateful that they remembered what was agreed upon at the start of the year. But now I feel an added sense of remorsefulness and disappointment because I would probably be leaving backlog and remnants of what I did behind for other people who might be taking my place, or even for existing people who already have loads to do. I feel bad.

Should I be happy? What if it’s not something I would be happy with after all? Maybe I made the wrong choice at the start of the year. I guess only time can tell now.

Of ramblings

It’s been a pretty long time since I posted. Things have been generally the same these days, with the routine work to be done daily and the usual screw-ups I encounter on a weekly basis.

One thing though, I get the feeling that some people at work are beginning to dislike me and my decisions/actions recently. It’s hard to explain and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s a gut feeling I have and usually my gut feelings are rather accurate. I do have in mind some names, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for the time being since nothing concrete or real has been said or done by them.

Expectations are running high and I don’t think I can keep up. It’s one thing to do something and get credit for it, but another thing to expect someone to do something just because “you look like you can”. If looks matter so much in this area, I would have given up my daily skincare and makeup routine! I was just trying to be professional by not looking like a zombie every day, which is basically how I feel almost all the time. So now looking neat and clean means “you look like you can (do something)”?

Another thing, the date’s getting nearer and yup I’m getting excited, though I don’t exactly know why and for what.