I want to learn to be a better person. A better student, a better teacher, a better daughter, a better girlfriend and a better friend.

I just know I will be one of the very few people who will be getting a low honours class when I graduate. Not that I’m looking down on myself, but I know what’s happening to me and what’s been happening around me. I know, everyone says, “Oh come on, it will definitely be better than you think.” And of course, it normally is, but this time I know it won’t be true. Why do you care what other people think, you may ask. I try not to, but ultimately I know it’s a fact that it all boils down to what other people perceive of you. And it hurts. It really does. I really wish I can buck up. I just can’t do well in my work, I don’t know why. But I have to. And I will.

My tutees see me as a friend rather than as a tutor or teacher. I suppose that’s good in a way because now that they are already taking their O’Levels, I can’t expect to treat them as primary school kids can I? And I enjoy the friendships I have with them, the fact that they turn to me for help on stuff like whether they should confess to their parents that they lied, warms me to the heart because this shows that they respect me as a friend and I feel important. But, I do wish sometimes that they would think of me as a teacher once in a while, especially at times when they refuse to listen to me and be rude to me. Those who know me well probably also know as well that I absolutely abhor rude people. I just can’t take it when they are rude to me and I blow up thus. Unfortunately, this means that they normally start tearing up and complain to their parents that I’m adding on to the stress they already have at school. Maybe it’s me, I probably can’t communicate as well to them as well as I like to think I can.

My parents are getting weaker by the day and I am increasingly not home often recently. Of course, I do go home at night, but I don’t usually have meals with them, except for Sunday night dinners. When I get home everyday, they are either already sleeping or preparing to go to sleep. Looking at my mom’s tired-out face every night and my dad’s agonised face when he tries to move his sprained back pains me. I want to be there for them. I want to be home whenever I can, talking to them, helping them or even just being at home. If only I can do something about money, I would love to help them with the monthly medicine and x-ray bills. But I just don’t have the means right now. All I can do now is just be at home whenever I can.

Because I have been troubled by money and school matters recently, I have been pretty irritable and short-tempered. I’m sorry Joshua. I’ve been grumbling and complaining a lot to you and I know you try to listen to me but sometimes you are just too tired from school to listen. And I never stop to think that. I never think that your schedule is way busier than mine and after a long day of school, all you want is to just sit down with me and enjoy the time we have together. But I always choose to see that you don’t listen to me because you don’t want to. I want to be there for you whenever you are troubled too but sometimes I just don’t know how. This is something I have to learn.

I may seem aloof at times but do come to talk to me whenever you guys see me ok? I’m not a fair-weather friend. I don’t give friends up. You guys are important to me. Please bear with me if you find that I’m not acting like myself or you think I might be losing my temper. I want to be a better friend and I hope to know more about myself in order to change. I find that I still don’t understand myself yet. Give me some time ok?

Just a post to shout out my thoughts. Feel better now. I’m gearing up for a new me.

I never thought there would come a day when I would melt at the sight of a mesh of dark brown and black fur. Bounding happily around, yipping excitedly at people and their “colleagues” in adjacent cages, that particular yorkshire terrier stole my heart.

Head cocked to one side, it looked at us with a face that said, ” WIll you be my owner?” I almost shouted “Yes!!”, if not for the fact that the shop was small and there were quite a number of people in it. Hands flat on the glass panel, face so close to the panel that you could see vapour condensing on the glass, I looked longingly at it, pretending for just one moment that my mom would allow me to keep a dog. Watching it drink water, chase its own tail, lick itself, scratch and just simply lie there with its eyes on us, I felt as if there were only the two of us in this world, it and me. Nothing else mattered when it casts its eyes on me, or when the best thing in the world happened: it tried to lick my finger when I placed my hand on the panel, but it encountered the glass instead. That little tongue was what made me go crazy over it in the first place.

I like it a lot, but I can’t possibly buy it now, considering that my mom will definitely refuse. And besides, I can’t afford it too. Probably because its just 3 months old and a pure breed, it costs so so much. I can’t believe a small mesh of fur would cost that much. But I think it’s worth it. Just watching that little heart-shaped face with those cute ears did it for me. I lost my heart.