On the surface, everything seems fine.

On the surface, everyone is happy.

On the surface, everyday looks good.

But, deep inside, who can really understand? Who can tell me why I keep finding fault with him? Him, who brought me up. Him, who gave me money to spend while I was younger. Him, whom I respected and still do respect.

Something’s changed. I don’t know what. But I can’t see eye to eye with him anymore. Everything he does now just seems wrong or rude to me. And vice versa. He thinks I do stupid things.

He called to say he was hungry and hoped we had prepared more rice and dishes for him. My mom was happy that he finally got back his appetite after lying in bed for some time due to a slipped disc injury. She cooked, cooked and cooked. The original plan of one steamed fish became two bigger steamed fishes, the original amount of vegetables became twice the amount and more soup is boiled.

He came home late. Really late. By then, the fish has gone a little hard, the vegetables cold and the soup not as fragrant. But everything can be heated up. So we did. We sat down to have our big feast happily, or so I thought. 15 minutes later, when I had not even gone through three-quarters of my rice, and my mom not even half (she eats slowly), he stood up and pushed what’s left of his rice to my mom’s plate and dumped his empty plate in the sink. I looked at the table. One and a half big steamed fishes remained, a mountainful of vegetables was still on the plate and the pot of soup was full.

My mom asked him if his appetite had gone again and he said, “No, just not hungry. Ate a big packet of nasi lemak just now.”

“When did you eat that? Before you called me?” My mom asked.

“No. After. I felt hungry and my friends called me up to have dinner so I went with them.”

Me: “Then why didn’t you call and tell us, so we can prepare accordingly?”

“I didn’t know you were going to cook so much. And besides, you actually took it so seriously. Ha!” All the time looking scornfully at my mom.

My mom just kept eating silently. I finished my rice and was stuffed, but knowing my mom’s policy of not wasting food, I tried to eat some more. She has never encouraged waste of food and though I have told her many times that we can keep any leftover food and eat them the next day, she never listened. She grew up with the mentality that leftover food was bad for health and she wishes for us to have the best and fresh-est food we can get. Besides, she says, we don’t have a microwave oven. Heating up over the stove just takes more time in washing up and cleaning.

After half-an-hour, I was completely all stuffed up. I could see my mom feeling full too, with all the burpings and stuff, but her chopsticks never stopped moving. She insisted on finishing up every single bit of the food. I tried, but in the end I could only sit back and watch in wonder.

This is not the first time the same thing happened. Hardly. It has happened so many times that I have lost count. Once bitten twice shy, they say. But my mom refuses to learn. She jumps at every phone call he makes home and fulfilled his every wish with all she can.

I was livid.

I refused to even look at him. I have no idea why he is treating her like that at all. Does it make him happy to see her slog it out in the kitchen for hours and later have him just nibble and leave the table 15 minutes later? And for those who think that preparing dinner is a relatively easy thing to do and will not require so much time, try cooking a complete meal of rice, 3 dishes and a big pot of soup at the same time. She starts preparing way way early at 4pm even while we have dinner usually at 7.

I don’t know what to say really. I try to help whenever I can, but I can’t possibly be relied on to finish a practically complete set of dishes on my own. I’m starting to hate him. I know that’s terrible of me and I’m probably going to have retribution for this, but I really can’t stop myself from hating him. He has done so many things to hurt my mom and this family. I’m not so sure if he deserves my full respect anymore.

The dust has settled thus.

But my heart isn’t. I feel relieved, pleased and light when I woke up this morning, or should I say afternoon. Yet, deep inside I feel as though I lost something. I didn’t understand it until some time later when I realised I miss everyone and everything to do with NUS Sports Ball 2006.

It was just 8 or 9 months ago when Yingxian smsed me to say, “Jo! Try to come up with the theme and start sourcing for hotels k!!” I was smiling then because I thought she had nothing to worry about. 6 months on, and I felt the heat at last. Busy confirming the hotel, busy doing up the program sheet, busy thinking of games and the most important theme. I suddenly felt breathless.

A month ago, everyone got nervous. Screw-ups were aplenty, miscommunication galore. Everyone got stressed, including me. I didn’t know what to do. I had to keep depending on Yingxian, Zhonghao and Angela to keep me going. The endless number of meetings, and oh, the dreaded dry-run on that Monday night. That dry run was, suffice to say, horrible.

Finally, last night came. Everyone was on tenterhooks, we have no idea how the night will turn out to be. Already tired out from the previous night’s rehearsal, everyone went about their duties with a drawn-out face. I saw Zhonghao sighing a few times in fact. I got worried. And this nagging worry intensified ten-fold when Nicole called me to say Alex was running a high fever and may not be able to make it. I got gripped by a sense of terror for a moment. Would the night just start without emcees? I didn’t bear to think further. Luckily, both of them came at last and I felt guilty when I say Alex’s pale, shivering form. But I didn’t have a choice. I had to let him and Nicole continue. I’m sorry Alex.

The night proceeded on and I was a little surprised when it started off pretty well. No major glitches. Of course, there were the occasional awkward moments when the wrong prizes were given, the lukewarm response from the audience and the frantic last-minute searching for the WWF belt (oh man, I will never forget that. The WHOLE comm got involved in the search. What a sight.). But all in all, everything went quite smoothly and that sense of pride I got the minute the emcees sign off with the audience was exhilarating. I was overjoyed.

Then fatigue and hunger set in. And that was the first time in ages when I slept for more than 10 hours. Refreshing.

Ultimately, I would like to convey my utmost thanks and apologies to the o comm of Sports Ball. I thank every single one of you for making this night possible. I sincerely am grateful for all the help you have given me and I would never forget this moment. But I would also like to apologise to everyone who had seen my black face plenty of times and still beared with me so that the show could go on. Special thanks and apology to Angela, Zhonghao and Yingxian. Really sorry for all the crap and the lack of help I provided to you guys. I know I didn’t contribute much at all, and just threw the ball over to Angela or Zhonghao whenever I couldnt make it for meetings or discussions. Thanks you guys.

OK. So now that is done, I will have to turn my attention to my work. My much-neglected work.

Drained. Totally.

My energy’s sapped, really. From school, from preparations for Friday, from tuition, and from family.

People ask me why I volunteered my services for Friday at the expense of my studies and time. True, it is taking up a whole lot of my time, especially these recent weeks when everything just keep going wrong. But I like the process though, and the experience that comes with it is invaluable. Through it, I learnt how to be a leader, how to be responsible and how to maintain my interpersonal relationships with others. Of course, that spot on the resume helps a lot too.

I’m a little excited about Friday, but yet I am apprehensive too. It doesn’t look like something almost done, rather, it looks like it’s in the beginning stages. I have no idea why when I have been preparing for it since last june. Horrible.

Right now, I just wish Friday will be over soon. I guess I will still enjoy the night, but I really am looking forward to the time when I actually can spare some time do study and do my stuff. I’m lagging behind on so much work that I have no idea what the lecturers are saying anymore. And to think I have 2 tests next week. Argh.

Ok. Just a rant. Will try to do some work now while I still can. Tomorrow and Friday I foresee a limp me walking home, eyes almost closed.

Maybe I’m too sensitive. Is everybody trying to avoid me? I can’t seem to find anyone. No reply to my calls, no reply to smses, no smiling and saying of hi along corridors.

What’s happened? Did I do anything? I don’t know. I feel so lonely all of a sudden. Now that I think of it, I haven’t been eating at the canteen ever since school started 4 weeks ago. I miss the food, but I don’t want to eat alone. I curse my insecurities. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with eating alone. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. So many a time, either I just buy some bread or snacks to class, or I just don’t eat anymore. I do realise something: I usually feel hungrier when I have company for lunch so I usually eat more. I get hungry easily during the day, so to last a whole day with just breakfast recently has almost become the norm for me. But I don’t feel very hungry actually. I guess when I think of how I need to eat alone in the crowded canteen just stops my stomach from grumbling immediately.

Sometimes I feel as if I keep saying and doing things in a wrong way. I tend not to think before I speak or act and so I usually offend people without meaning to. I know being brainless is not an excuse, and to quote an ex-colleague, I think I’m really a “bimbo”. Everyone’s not perfect though. I try to be, but obviously I’ve come up short. And I don’t think I can ever succeed at being the perfect person many expect me to be.

BUT I do know for a fact that many people love me for who I am, and not for who I’m not. I truly appreciate it and I do love them too. There are times, however, when I disappoint them for some reason or other. And everytime, I will have some stupid excuses to explain for what I’ve done. Stubborness is probably my major fault. I simply refuse to admit I’m wrong and even find some lame reason to cover up for it. Then after that I feel guilty but still refuse to say I’m wrong.

You know what, just by typing these thoughts out, I actually see myself for who I am now. I have always thought I am all that people make me out to be. But now, I finally realise, there are always blindspots to your character that other people can’t see at first sight. These blindspots reflect who you really are, and by knowing them, you can thus make the first step to change them if needed.

I will try to be less selfish and to think of others’ feelings more. Basically consideration for others is something that probably isn’t in my life dictionary. But from now on it shall be.

Ok, I know this post is totally random and un-understandable. If you do understand it, I appreciate it. If you don’t, it’s ok. It was just for me to write randomly about what I’m feeling now. And nobody can safely say they understand exactly what others are feeling.

I enjoy Saturdays really.

Saturdays make me feel like it’s so far away from Monday and that I have the whole day, the entire long day, to do whatever I want. And usually I do get to do whatever I want. Because of the way I arranged my tuitions, I have only one day taken up for them so far and I hope it stays that way. But that’s the thing with teaching sec 4 buggers, they have their O’levels and bye bye tutor. So when december comes along, I will have no tuition and subsequently, no pay, no income. Oh well, let’s just take things as they come.

Back to Saturdays. I like spending Saturdays with him. We don’t go out, we don’t have fun (in the technical sense of going out), and we don’t spend a lot of money. But it’s always the time spent together that makes me smile. Sometimes, after a hectic week, all I want to do is just either sleep or just hang around with the people who know and like me. We don’t literally do much together on Saturdays, but just watching tv or playing computer games together puts the energy back in me. Although I always groan at the thought of Sundays with tuitions back-to-back, I still feel geared up for the dreary Sundays after every Saturday I spend with him.

I’m not saying we have a perfect relationship. I don’t think anyone can have a perfect relationship. Quarrels and fights are common, even with the little time we spend together. But somehow, after every heartbreaking quarrel, I tend to feel closer to him than I ever was before the quarrel. Ironically, I actually think that quarrels are good for our relationship, in a weird sort of way. I always cry, something he absolutely hates, probably because he thinks I’m trying to use that as a weapon against him and he dislikes it when he thinks I use tears to get away with everything. I always feel like the end of the world whenever we fight, but after that when both of us have calmed down, I feel like I know him better and I hope he feels the same too.

I try to steer clear of anything that might make him angry, but somehow I always tend to do or say something that I didn’t mean and fights are then inevitable. Though I think the fights brought us closer, I’m not saying that I wish for fights all the time. It’s exhausting, time-consuming and utterly depressing. But I really do treasure the time I spend with him and I love him for what he has done for me.

Thank you.