I’m tired.

Been working on 3 papers, and 2 presentations at the same time. Not to mention a test in 2 weeks and another paper due in about 3 weeks.

After which exams will be looming ever so closely. And I haven’t started any revision yet whatsoever. Feel like dying.

 Came across this poem I wrote last time in my old blog and felt it would be nice to post it again here. I know this poem may sound superficial and simplistic, but this was what I felt that time and a reflection of my actual feelings. Memories..

 

 

 I’m here

Girl, I know it’s been a while
Since I held and kissed you
Please believe me when I say
I never once forgot you.

We have always tried our best
To give each other all we can
But there came a time when
I got so mad I forgot
What made you sad.

You cried and sniffed over the phone
However it got me all riled up
Ready to rage and pounce on your
Every mistake, this I do.

I once told you not to cry
You look ugly when you do
But then I made you so sad
That I cried when you cried too.

The more I raged so the more you cry
Till I gave up on you
I told you I want out
Me, you couldn’t refuse.

But you never gave up on me
Not once you do
I called back some time later
And to hear you say “I do”.

I rejoiced and so did you
We had some happy times together
But came one day again when I made you sad
I gave up once again on you.

Girl, I’m sorry now
Please forgive me
I’ll never make you sad again
let alone give up on you.

But you got to understand me
The way some other girl did
I cared for her, and I care for you
Don’t leave me please.

Just changed the look of my old blog. The theme is “Cuteness Attack” lol.

I don’t know why, but reading my old blog again made me realise how much I didn’t grow up while I was in NUS. I’m still the desolate, depressed and disappointing person I was back when I started my university life.

And the things I wrote there, everything just came flooding back to me. Good memories, bad memories, funny memories.

I wish time will go back. I know, everyone says the same, but I really wish it. I haven’t wished my birthday wish I just realised. And now my birthday is over. Never mind, if it will come true, it will.

I like this year’s birthday.

Joshua wasn’t able to celebrate with me last year. I felt disappointed, though with the SMP gang accompanying me for dinner at Seoul Garden, it was quite enjoyable.

But this year, Nitz and I went out to dinner and had a great catching-up with each other. I love these talks with her, always made me wish she was still in NUS or I was in NIE with her. I’m lucky to have her still in my life, thank you Nitz.

And Joshua was able to make it for a celebration dinner with me today. Even though his exams are nearing and it’s time spent out from his studying. Thank you. I really appreciated that and I know that because we went back late, you will have to stay up even later to catch up on the studying you were supposed to do.

And to all who sms-ed me to wish me happy birthday, I thank you all really. I don’t think I ever had so many people wish me happy birthday before lol. I am deeply touched.

Never felt so sick in my life.

Headache, fever, gastric pains, and flu – all at the same time.

Yet, the laptop keeps working, the mouse keeps moving and the keypad keeps tapping. Rested but got hauled out of bed after a while by my nagging conscience.

“Friday!! It’s due on Friday!!“

Here I am.

No one understands. No one even tries to.

Everyone has been giving me flak for things I didn’t do. I have feelings too, I’m not here just to take all the anger you guys have been giving me. If anyone wants to talk, I’m willing to listen anytime. But if all you do is throw blame on me and make me feel more stressed than I already am, then I’ll rather not listen anymore. Be it school life or personal life, you guys just keep putting me down. I have feelings too you know. I have a limit too. It has now escalated to a point that I just can’t take it anymore.

Please respect me. I’m not someone whom you can just keep scolding and throwing blame to and forever smiles and accepts it. I try to, but I can’t anymore. I’m really breaking down already. Please don’t make it worse.

Everyone I know complains about the amount of work they have to do, me included. And this is the norm every semester at this period of time when everything is due around the same time. Not to mention the raised stress levels when things go wrong. But that’s the thing. Everyone is going through the same thing, albeit different stuff exactly. But we can’t really compare in terms of “Oh my module is way harder than yours, so I’m busier than you. And thus I am more stressed.”. I’m not going to talk about the “more stressed” bit because in the first place, I seriously don’t think a comparison of that is fair. Everyone has their own capacity for stress. What is stressful to me may not be stressful to you and vice versa. 

Even if I admit that what I’m going through now is nothing compared to yours, please don’t just brush my own perception of stress away.  I’ve had so many people in the past weeks telling me that I’ve no reason to be stressed, either because I’m not taking that particular heavy module they are taking, or because I’m not taking the same course as them. Some people also told me recently that I don’t understand what they are going through, and they think I never will. It’s ok if you think so, but to tell me so is hurting. I know I’m not the most perceptive one around, especially when it comes to other people’s feelings, but I do try to listen and understand. It’s not really fair when you just dismiss my presence and only come to talk to me when you feel like it.

Yes, this is a rant and rave post. Yes, I sound selfish and ignorant. Yes, I seem totally out of my mind. But my limit’s reached. I really can’t take it anymore, whether its school or life. I just can’t. I haven’t thought of what to do to get over this yet, I need time. But I do hope that if you have nothing nice to say to me about me, then I’ll rather you keep it to yourself and only tell me when this horrible period is over.

 ”Love me when I least deserve it, because it’s then when I need it the most.”

Things have gotten to a stage when I feel like just giving up. I have been holding on, struggling to hold on in fact, to any sense I have left. But I realised that it’s all gone. My determination that is. I really can’t see myself fighting anymore. I can’t envision my future, I can’t tell others what I truly think, I can’t even focus in group meetings.

Right now, all I see is bleakness. I have no idea where I am going or where I want to go. Everything is just so grey now. I haven’t sat down to read a book in ages. I haven’t watched my favourite chinese dramas in ages. I haven’t talked to my friends who have graduated in ages. They tried talking to me on msn, but most of the time I have to either rush a term paper to be handed in the next day, or prepare some presentation for the coming days. Or studying for tests. When was the last time I really talked, as in really really talked,  to you, Zeyo? or Nitz? Or Jianrong? It’s mostly now hi-bye. All of us are busy, but when you found time to say hi to me, I can only say “sorry I’m busy now, catch you later”.

Life works in pretty complicated ways. Just when you took it for granted that your friends will always be there for you, will always somehow have the time to talk to you or meet you, something will happen that makes you open your eyes to really understand what friendship is all about. I took it for granted that my friends are always available whenever I needed to talk or when I want to meet them, but I forgot they have their own lives too. They have their own school work to do, their own live to lead.

Contradicting isn’t it? I have no time to talk to any of my friends, but I want them to be there whenever I want to talk to them. Selfish too. I get a little annoyed and irritated whenever I talked to them and they replied me with exactly what I told them, “sorry I’m busy now, catch you later”, but I say that to them all the time.

 A lesson to learn, definitely.