It’s my 4th year now and I’m suffocating in my work. Of course, the ISM is left undone largely, with no motivation whatsoever to continue.

I always try to take modules from other faculties with friends so that I won’t have to do projects alone or with strangers. I pretty much got my way for 3 years, until I had to take modules on my own for the last semester and this one. My friends have mostly all graduated and those left taking Honours as well don’t agree with my choice of modules, hence I’m left alone. Usually I don’t mind taking modules alone, that is go for lectures and tutorials alone, as long as there are no group projects or groupwork. Unfortunately, the 2 modules I chose last semester and now have group projects as the bulk of their CA component because there is no exam.

Last semester went pretty well as the 2 people I worked with were generally friendly and nice to work with. Though I may not agree with some things they brought up, I understood when they explained their choice to me and I went along with their way willingly. This semester has been pretty bad so far. The people in my group are nice still, but somehow we have totally different views and opinions about how to do the project and due to a lack of explanation on their part, I can’t seem to understand their point of view. They knew one another before I came along, so I understand that I would need some time for them to warm up to me and all, but they don’t seem to like me a lot and contradicted me plenty of times when I suggested some other ways of doing the project. They also questioned my English ability and one even went so far as to say my English was weird. Of course, a paper for that module focuses mainly on the content and not the language, so one does not really have to be as anal as myself to insist on putting the language right. Simple grammatical errors are fine with me actually, as long as we are not penalised for it, unlike English modules. But when it gets so far as to insisting that Singlish is fine for a project, I just can’t do it.

Call me stubborn, but I just can’t bring myself to submit something that is written not even in standard ungrammatical English. I suggested to them, of course, that the sentences could be written in another way, with the content and meaning of the sentence left untouched, but they told me the sentences I proposed sound weird to them, and that I have changed the meaning of the sentences. Since I am not as familiar with the content as them, I’m afraid that I really did change the meaning without knowing it myself, so I took their sentences and just tried to rectify the grammar so that the structure of the sentences remain the same. Unfortunately, they don’t agree as well and don’t understand why I just had to insist on changing anything when the sentence is fine to them. I tried a few times but the result is still the same. I was probably being a pest by suggesting a few times, so in the end they got frustrated and ignored me totally, submitting something that all of them agreed on.

I think I learnt a lot from this. I still think that the sentences could be corrected for grammar, but this incident has created an even wider gap between me and them. Now, they try not to involve me unless really necessary. Of course, we still smile and say Hi to one another when we meet, but it’s now purely a work-only relationship. I know we can’t be friends with everyone else, or make everyone happy, but I wish there was something else I could do to be firmer friends with them. I don’t want to end my last semester in school knowing that there are people who don’t like me for what I have done.

I don’t know if this means I now have lost my principles, since I’m saying that if I had to agree with them just so that they will be happy with me I will. But now I wonder, if I had really gone along with them right from the start, they may be pleased, but I don’t think I will be. I’ll probably blame myself later on for not even trying to suggest a change. Maybe they don’t like my tone of voice when I talk to them, maybe my English is really weird, but just keeping silent when the mistake is staring at me in my face is plain wrong to me. Still, I probably should learn how to talk. Maybe I just wasn’t tactful enough and made them think that I was trying to show off my English skills. Maybe they feel slighted by me. Learn, I would, but am I the only one who has to learn something here?

If only you are still the old you.

If only you didn’t change to the way you are now, distancing away from me based on what you heard and what she expects of you.

I miss the times when we can actually meet to really talk about what’s happened in our lives and catch up with each other on the fun times we had without the other one by our sides. I know we have to grow up some day with our own lives to lead, and if these lives are going in totally different directions, this will happen sooner or later. Call me selfish, but I’d rather it be later. Not now when I want to tell you so many things but you never have had time for me. Not now when I want to know so much about your life over there but someone takes up all of your time. Not now when you heard stuff about me and decided yourself that they are true without clarifying it with me first. If you did, I wouldn’t be this upset. I would definitely take the time to talk things through with you, but you didn’t give me the chance to.

Right now, I’m feeling all sorts of stuff. I’m happy for you that you have found her, as I can see she is really important to you and from what I heard you say some time ago, she is really the right one for you indeed. I’m sad that things have come to this end with us acting like we just knew each other a week ago. Nothing really constructive ever comes out of our mouths anymore, we greet each other like acquaintances, we talk to each other like strangers. I’m angry, at you and at myself, that we have silently agreed to let things come thus far. We didn’t grasp at last straws, hoping to end problems before they start. Instead, we turn our backs on one another, willing the other to make the first move. I’m not sure if you feel the same way but I so dearly wish we could go back to the way we were.

I’m tired. Tired of all the words, of all the tears, of all the hurt. I never thought the person hurting me one day would be you. I always thought you will be there no matter what, silently supporting me and encouraging me. But I realise now, sometimes, just sometimes, friends ain’t forever too.