It’s been six weeks now and I’m still not getting it.

It may be appropriate to say that I’m really allergic to the institution. I fell seriously sick just a month into it and I’ve never felt so sick before. I couldn’t stand properly, I had to be held up and down the stairs.

I had somewhat high expectations before I came in, and I think I overrated myself. I’m not that capable after all. Who ever said I was? Only me and myself. As usual, Jo has overestimated herself. She thinks she is ready and capable of anything and everything, only to find that she is not even anywhere close to the others in the institution.

And it doesn’t help when things are not going the way it should be in another area of my life. Shaken by a passer-by, I now have little belief in self-control. I thought I could stop myself from thinking and doing something that I should not be doing, but now I know that I am easily defeated. This may mean that the current situation is something I should let go of, or something that should not be there in the first place. I can’t decide and this is bad.

每个月都仿佛走过一次。

每一天都仿佛经历过一次。

若能让我更加明白与领悟，我无需担忧。但答案似乎离我如此遥远。此时的我不知如何是好，既彷徨与无奈。每一次的经过使我怀疑与猜测，我当初的决定是否正确。那时的我曾想，何必苦恼、烦闷，只要对得起自己的良心便自然得到解脱。但最近一层又一层的懊恼尾随着我，似乎想告诉我当初的决定是如此的错、如此的不值得。

但是这一切只能在自己的脑子里翻呀翻，怎么也不可能与另一个人分享。全因为自己的自卑、自己的没信心，我才无法与另一个人倾诉。我深怕我倾诉的对象会发指，与我远离，就因为我的行为完全不像我自己。

Why don’t they want to take the photos with me?

She graduated, so have I. She has Honours, so have I. She has a photo with them, I’m supposed to take it alone.

Am I not as important? Are they not as proud of me?