“Jo must be really happy these days because she hardly updates her blog anymore with unhappy events!”

 To be honest, far from it.

There has been a spate of events going on recently that got me flustered, depressed and stressed. I didn’t even know what to write about because I didn’t know where to start.

Relationships are ever so fragile, they burst like a bubble when prodded. Unfortunately, recently prods have been aplenty and bubbles kept bursting in front of me. The huge bubble I built around us when we first started is now gradually diminishing in size due to an ozone-layer-like hole. And this hole, both of us helped to make. It’s amazing, really, how both of us actually don’t understand each other after almost 3 years of together-ness. We thought we knew each other really well. We thought we knew what each other is thinking all the time. We thought that the other will definitely understand and will change for the better at any point in time. But we are so wrong. It seems as though the 3 years have been just a cloudy mirage that is disillusional. The happy moments have since been banished to the very back of our minds; at the forefront now is what we don’t like about each other and how unhappy we are about it.

Right now, I really don’t know what else I can do. Call me stubborn and inflexible, but I really think that this time I have been wronged. Ever since I signed that almighty bond, I’ve been piled up with so much work that I can’t breathe. It’s pretty amazing when you think of it. Just half a year ago, I was happily taking exams in university and was so happy on the day of my last paper, because it signals the last paper in my last semester in school. I remembered telling a friend that I will definitely not miss the mugging, long project meetings and sleepy mornings from then on.

6 months down the road. Mugging? Hardly, because there are no more exams. Long project meetings? Let’s just say they are endless. And I don’t mean meetings that last a long duration each time. I mean endless times of meetings, meetings almost everyday for presentations, projects, lesson plans and whatnot. It’s physically draining. Tiring.

Things don’t change for the better when your other half starts getting stressed too due to final-year exams and projects, and starts to lament about how insensitive you are to his feelings and how you can’t make him happy. I really don’t understand how to make someone happy when I am seriously depressed myself. Maybe this means that I’m selfish, that I don’t know how to put people’s feelings above my own. But ultimately, this selfish side of me always emerges and I always end up thinking: Why do I have to make people happy when they don’t make me happy?

We quarrelled. We fought. We cried. We almost broke up. I said almost because I retracted my decision in the nick of time. I was really burned out at the time he pushed me for an answer and something in me snapped. That something caused me to say something that I may mean at that time, but regret later on. I feel like a fuse in me has died out and this fuse was the one which kept me going throughout the last two years of my uni life, especially the hard times of thesis-writing. But now, it has gone. I keep searching for it till this day but honestly, I can’t find it.

I seriously have no idea what will come next. The talk has been scheduled for Dec, when exams have ended and projects have stopped. Neither of us want the bad ending, but I honestly hope it won’t even lead to that. I can’t handle anything more at the moment. It’s mentally and emotionally draining on my nervous system, and despite hugs and consoles from kind friends, a nervous breakdown might be pending.