已累了。已麻木了。

问题在于我，不是其他人。

许多不该考虑的因素使我反复思考，重复着想。妹妹、爸爸、阿姨，这些人都让我难以做出那决定。

心其实已经有个答案，可是现实不容许我当个脍子手，斩钉截铁地结束痛彻心扉。每晚沉默地懊恼，安静地思索，但就是想不出如何是好。

我到底该怎么做？是否有个人能帮我作出这个决定，并告诉我要如何把故事终了？

心无情，身无力。

The wonders a cup of coffee can do.

More specifically, a Regular cup of Vanilla Latte.

I was lounging at Holland V Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf this afternoon, with a couple of magazines in hand. I looked up every so often to people-watch, and let my thoughts wander at the same time.

I thought back to 3 years back, to when I was feeling depressed over an almost similar matter. I was confused, delusioned and weary of life, much like how I’m feeling recently. I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what choices I had, didn’t know how to make them. In the end, I left it to fate to decide for me. I told myself back then that whatever will be, will be. There’s no point harping on it, no point crying over spilt milk. So I tossed a coin (several times, in fact) to leave my fate in the hands of whoever’s up there watching over me. I remembered tossing the coin about 5 times, and all 5 times were the same side of the coin. I believed strongly then, and still do believe, that my decision has been made for me, and it will be the right one.

3 years on, and much as the decision made back then was a right one, there is now another decision to be made. This time, no coin shall be thrown. The facts are staring at me in the eye, and up till now, I’ve been refusing to face up to them. As I was watching people walking by, laughing and talking with their friends and family, I came to a revelation. What am I doing, evading issues like this? A sign of cowardice, definitely. What the heart doesn’t feel, the mind doesn’t think. I’ve always been controlled more by my emotions rather than my intellect. That’s how all the quarrels started, how we’ve come to where we are today.

I don’t think I’ll ever be a good partner, temporary or otherwise. I get too emotional for my own good, and then things escalate from my irrational outbursts. It has nothing to do with who I’m partnered with – the problem lies with me, only me. I guess at the ripe old age of 23, I’m not ready. Not ready, both emotionally and mentally, to be with someone for life. Not that I will be happier with transient flings either. Flings are not my cup of tea. I can’t handle liking someone for a couple of weeks then dropping him like a hot potato and move on to another one. It’s just not me. Traditional boring me.

He is tired too. He is weary of the quarrels too. He won’t be around for a short period of time this holidays for some reason, and this gave me some time to really give this a good thinking. Even if I’m willing, will he be willing too? Circumstances stand in the way, obstacles lie across the path. I’m not even sure of his intentions, his feelings, his ideas.

I left Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf with a lighter burden on my shoulders, knowing that I’ve sorted out my thoughts, or at least tried to.

But will he be willing to wait, just as I am willing to wait for him?

I was running along a dark path, a path with unlit lamps, flickering candles by the roadside and stray cats with eyes glittering in the darkness.

Legs pounding down the road, sweat dripping off my forehead, I breathed deeply in and out. It’s amazing what a run can do to clear the mind off worry and insecurity. I was feeling all that better while running; in fact I feel more energised and ready to take on whatever’s going to come next.

Not.

Something rustled behind me. The sound of leaves being crushed under feet. I turned around and saw this dark shape looming over me. My heart literally skipped a beat. I turned around and sprinted. Sprinted to where there are people in a 24-hour coffeeshop. The coffee uncle saw me panting crazily and trembling uncontrollably, he came over and asked if I’m ok and if I wanted to order anything to drink. I shook my head and opened my mouth to tell him what happened, but somehow I couldn’t. Nothing came out of me, it was only later that I realised I was stricken with fear. Many images of what happened a couple years back flashed past my mind, and I cried in the privacy of my room later on.

I really want to get rid of all that is hovering around me, never letting me go, wrapping me up in a cocoon of fear and paranoia. I’ve been trying to forget all this while, forget the only thing that made me helpless and insecure. But this incident brought back all the memories that I’ve tried to delete from my mind.

Is this a dream?