It’s officially over.

I got to let this go. It’s been affecting my life too much. I keep thinking about it, images flash past my mind every hour, it’s tiring. Everytime I start to think about it, my head and heart hurt. I’ve had enough of this seriously. I don’t understand how and why this can affect me so much. Never been like this before, even in the past when I was less mature and tend to over-think.

Now that it’s out in the open, I can safely put it aside and forget about this. Sure, it still hurts, a lot actually. But I now know the explicit reason behind it and I’m glad, in a way, that I didn’t go to the place I originally thought of going. If I went, this will never stop. I have to face it, I can’t run away from the issue anymore.

Friends have been asking me why I look so solemn and depressed the past few weeks. A close friend mentioned that I usually wear my emotions on my face, people can tell instantly when I’m happy and when I’m sad. I can’t help it though. Sometimes I think I’m still too immature, I tend to mull over things too much and let them affect me in the most serious way possible.

Now that this is over, I’m very glad I still have my friends around me. Sure, they might not agree with all of my decisions sometimes, but even when they don’t, they never left me alone to figure things out myself. They console, scold, prod and argue, and I really appreciate it. I know school’s going to keep us apart, for a long period of time, but I know that anytime I call, they’ll be there.

Thank you.

On the surface, I seem fine. Still laughing, still joking, still talking at the top of my voice. But I guess I’ve already resigned myself to what has happened and what is going to come next. Isn’t it weird how I keep trying to run away, keep trying to avoid, keep trying to pretend it didn’t happen, but yet I know it did? I know it’s going to haunt me for some time yet. I’ve tried so many things and cried so many times, but crying doesn’t make anything go away, it merely dilutes the fact which is still there if you look closely. I’m someone who mulls over issues whether I want to or not, and looking closely at what is happening to me is something that is making me almost break down. I want to shout, to say I wish time could go back, but unfortunately Mother Nature is turning her back on me, like everything else. Time is still running by with the speed of someone running away from a monster. I need to take a break and think. But thinking is precisely what made me come thus far. So do I not think? Do I just let it be and let nature take its course? Should I go strive for what I really want? Is that what I really want? I really don’t know now.