I came across a friend’s wife-to-be’s visual diary of their wedding preparations. The big day happens to be my friend’s birthday as well. The visual diary in the form of a blog will also be a surprise birthday present for him.

Looking at it makes me wistful and dreamy of my own marriage. Thus, I proposed the topic of rings. Then along with it came the subject of houses and a fight ensued. I don’t understand and I know you don’t either. We just don’t understand each other a lot. We have our own ways of thinking, our own styles of living, and we don’t seem to be able to compromise to a point where both of us can smile and say “well, ok then”.

It’s every girl’s wish to have her own dream wedding. I have my visions of a perfect wedding. But I know you are looking more towards the life after the wedding itself, which is definitely important. Still, I do wish that you can see from my lenses once in while, see that sometimes it’s not all about pride and investments. Yes, it’s your dream just as the other’s mine. And of course I want your dream to be fulfilled one day. Heck, I get to enjoy the benefits of your dream too. But since the date of your dream fulfilling is after the date of my dream fulfilling, can’t we look at mine first?

Selfish, you say. Yes I think I am too. Which girl is not selfish or possessive over something she has wanted for the longest time? No, I’m not comparing what we have to what other people have after reading what my friend’s wife-to-be has written. If I were, I would be demanding a lot from you by now. But think about it, have I ever demanded or even requested something that I know you cannot give me? You’ve always said I’m very practical, so if I’m really that practical, wouldn’t you think I would know what you can or cannot give?

It was meant to be a lighthearted discussion about something important. Not lighthearted as in frivolous or trivial, but lighthearted as in trying to plan something but without finality. It’s still too early to be talking about marriage, but seeing how friend after friend is getting engaged or married, I’m starting to feel hopeful of my own. But that conversation we had after was just demoralising. It brought me straight down to the harsh and blunt end of reality. I’m beginning to think that maybe my dream from young was just that, a dream. It’s my own fault, my own problem, for having such high hopes and expectations on you and on both of us. It was probably too good a thing to come true.

 

Continuing from the previous entry about dust settling, all the remnants I’ve mentioned that were still swirling before have now been cemented. That visual diary properly engraved every little speck of dust into the cement floor, never to be floating about again. And I thank it for helping me. Otherwise, now I would be still hoping for something that will never happen. It was tough to put it down, but I think now I can say I finally have.

So why are we still arguing about this? Can no compromise be reached at all? I’m scared.

The dust has finally settled.

An announcement out of the blue, electronic no less, has loudly exclaimed the end of my torture.

 

I feel relieved now. But there’s this nagging feeling in me. I don’t really know how to explain it, I just know that I’m uneasy. Maybe some remnants of dust are still swirling around in the aftermath, refusing to be put in place.

Sad. Relieved. Disappointed. Happy.

Mixed emotions, yeah. But these emotions are so strong that I feel as if  I’m being engulfed by them. My brain is telling me, good now it’s over you can finally put your heart at ease, no more worries. But my heart, the single organ that usually controls how I behave, is saying that I should try one last time. To go for it again. That would be dumb of me, seeing how hard it was for me to put it down in the first place. But I just can’t seem to accept this “settlement” with pleasure and ease, no matter how hard I try.

But I’m also happy. Not for myself though. I’m glad for the final outcome now although I’m not the one who benefitted the most from it.

 

I just want to say: Please take care. You always have a friend in me, regardless of what had happened. It’s over and no I won’t listen to my heart this time. All the best to you and I hope your decision is the best one you have ever made.