Mixed feelings now.

Glad that I have more time to myself for my own stuff, meeting friends and so on.

Sad that I start to hallucinate and imagine all sorts of disasters happening to him, especially when he can’t call.

I know I’m thinking too much; training’s tough, sure, but he’s tough too. He can get through it without any problem. I don’t know why I keep imagining the worst happening to him. Guess this dependency on him has been going on for some time…

9 months…

I’m scared.

I know it’s very silly of me, but I can’t help thinking what will happen if he’s no longer around. Why think that in the first place, you may ask. Another 2 weeks and he’ll be in a dangerous place doing a dangerous thing endangering his life.

I’m scared.

I keep having negative thoughts: What if I don’t get to see him again? What if I receive an sms in the middle of work, an sms informing me of bad news? I’ll collapse for sure.

I don’t know what’s making me behave this way actually. Paranoid, apprehensive, nervous, worried. Anything might happen while he’s out there. Especially the few months of training at first. It’ll be gruelling. The newspapers have always reported about people who collapsed during training and they don’t wake up again. What if the same thing happened? I wouldn’t know what to do.

I’m happy with him around. I can’t imagine life without him now, actually. He has become part of my routine, my habits, my life.

I wish I can tell him to retract his decision, but knowing him, he’ll go ahead. It’s too late to retract anyway.

No more nightmares please.