I lost it twice this past week.

I lost my temper once on Friday at a student (which I deeply regretted), and once just this morning.

He is my best student now, excellent grades of his level and marked improvement in his behaviour. Which is probably why I am even more disappointed at what he said and did. I never expected him to physically and verbally dismiss me away, leaving me speechless and later on, furious. I lashed out at him, slammed my papers on the table and went red in the face. When I saw tears in his eyes while he was standing there, my heart wrenched. I guess this is also how parents feel when they had to verbally or physically punish or rubuke their children. It hurts. It really does. And when I thought about it while I was sitting in the staffroom trying not to cry myself (didn’t exactly succeeded), I realised that I care more for them than I thought I did. I always complain to others about them, how they drive me up the wall with their antics and behaviour. But never have I once thought that I care for them. A lot. This incident really made me think and feel.

This morning, I also lashed out at him. Granted, it was less severe and harsh with a lower volume, but a lashing out nevertheless. I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. We only have one more week together before he leaves for Taiwan. The thing is, we don’t even have the whole week. He would only be free on Saturday to Tuesday before he flies off on Wednesday. I tried to put it out of my mind these recent weeks, hoping that he can change his mind about going, or something happens so he doesn’t have to go after all. Unfortunately the days creep by without me knowing, and now it’s only a week away. This time, he has to go for 20 over days and I won’t even get to hear from him everyday because we’ve decided (me grudgingly) that we would chalk up huge bills if we did. Not exactly helping the savings plan we are on now for our marriage. So for a long-term concern, I had to swallow my objections and agree.

I don’t know what came over me these days. Mood swings and all are making me lose that quality time with him. And no, it’s not PMS, though that can probably be part of it. I guess I’m subconsiously rejecting the idea of him gone for so long that my body and mind are just reacting to him. I hope this won’t continue.

It’s been 3 months since the start of the year, and honestly I’m out of breath. Work’s been piling up and people I’m dealing with seem to be less nice as time goes by.  I’ve always found it amazing how people can say one thing to one person and a different thing to another person.  How do they manage their half-truths in front of so many different people?

I thought the coming week’s break would be a welcome change from the monotony of work life, but I was informed of a certain course I gotta go for during the week. I’m tired. Suddenly I feel as if the passion I had a year ago is now long gone.

Recently someone told me of certain job openings that actually sound pretty good. Of course, it’s a little too early to change jobs, especially because of the binding clause in my work now, but it does seem reasonable to take a look at other openings when you have lost passion and dedication to the current work. I really don’t know if I’ll continue this path of life, but I do know one thing: right now I’m getting my satisfaction from the kids, not the admin work, not the office politicking.

Let’s hope this satisfaction lasts.