Recently I’ve been going jogging to spend some much needed time with myself. I need to stop and think of what I’m going to do now. Not about work, but about life.

Sometimes I get the urge to just want to end everything, but then I start to think of the stuff I’ve yet to do and I hesitate. Yes, work is getting me down, but it’s nothing I cannot do. However, when life gets me down, there is nothing I CAN do.

Still have no wish to edit my status anywhere else, purely because I’m still pondering over certain things. There are many things to be said, many things to be done, but I don’t see myself saying or doing anything. Maybe it’s because I’m really really tired. I just don’t want to continue with it anymore, it’s pointless if it continues.

I’m still going to take time to think, but I guess the word’s almost final.

Are we not entitled to a proper day of rest on a holiday like today?

Even on a working day, are we not entitled to some peace and quiet when we are back home?

It’s hilarious how I can receive calls anytime from work – calls from the top management no less.

I mean, sure tell me the gory details on Wednesday when I go back to work – the information is not exactly urgent anyway. But no, I get a call at 11am this morning, receiving information that I can only use next year. I mean, thanks for making my holiday one of rest and relaxation.

The fact that I get calls on holidays or when I’m sick already irks me, but when the content of the call is about something I have no wish to know or to take part in, I get even more upset. I really don’t want all this crap at all. And if you really have to do this, then have the decency to ask if I’m willing, won’t you?

Because I’m not. Absolutely not. But my opinion doesn’t matter, only my physical presence does.

I’ve been immersing myself in work these days, hoping I wouldn’t think stuff that I don’t want to. It’s been pretty much working, except when I take that long and ardous journey home and during the night when I mostly cry myself to sleep. It’s a wonder I don’t turn up for work with swollen eyes.

Been thinking a lot lately with some inputs from buddies – a question keeps popping up from them: Why is FB not updated? My reply: Why must it be?

I don’t really want to change status quo, don’t really want to admit anything, don’t really want to face up to anything. I know I’ll have to, but I’d rather later than sooner. Being an ostrich right now kinda appeals to me.

Oh well. Things might change, things might not. Whatever it is, I’ll just grin and bear it. People see a side of me that seems ok, but deep down, who really knows what I go through?

I’m tired.

Really tired.

Of work, of friendships, of life.

I used to, and still do, think that people who want to end their own lives are stupid and dumb. Why would they want to throw their life away over something trivial? There are countless people out there who are suffering much more than these thoughtless ones who want to end their lives.

I still think they are pretty stupid and totally selfish, to themselves and to their loved ones. But I somehow understand the pent-up frustration they must have felt during that period. It’s stifling. It really is.

Now, I just want to focus on what I have to do. I’ll just do it and hope for my better opportunity to realise faster. It’s moving too slowly for my own good.

It’s interesting how a once-thought-of-as-close friend has left me out in the loop over certain things. Yet, other people get to hear it from this person first.

I wonder why some people can be so possessive. Everytime something happens, she demands to know and to want to be in the centre of things. But when it so happens that she is not the first one to know, or she is not somehow sitting in the middle of the action, she gets upset. Things must always be done with her around, otherwise I’ll be seen as leaving her out and probably not wanting her as a friend or something. But then, now that THIS certain thing has happened, I’m the last to know. You told another person and not me.  So what does this mean?

Sure, if you want it to be this way, so be it.

On another note, I’m glad that the ideas are coming thick and fast. Seems like I won’t be here for much longer, and I’m glad.

I’ve never actually felt really lonely before until just now.

I was walking along Holland V to meet a friend for coffee and there were quite a lot of office workers there for lunch. While walking past them, I suddenly felt really lonely. So this is what loneliness is like.

I’ve had enough. Really enough. Am going to give up soon, I’m just waiting for the right time.

Luckily my friend was there to cheer me up and we were discussing about a new opportunity that both of us (and another friend of mine) are very interested in. I guess it won’t be long before we get started on this new venture. Am pretty excited about it and I can’t wait for the preparations to start. This probably means the end of my current working life. And I’m actually happy about it. At least there is something to occupy me mentally and physically now that things have come to such a state.

 

Anticipation.