I’ve never actually felt really lonely before until just now.

I was walking along Holland V to meet a friend for coffee and there were quite a lot of office workers there for lunch. While walking past them, I suddenly felt really lonely. So this is what loneliness is like.

I’ve had enough. Really enough. Am going to give up soon, I’m just waiting for the right time.

Luckily my friend was there to cheer me up and we were discussing about a new opportunity that both of us (and another friend of mine) are very interested in. I guess it won’t be long before we get started on this new venture. Am pretty excited about it and I can’t wait for the preparations to start. This probably means the end of my current working life. And I’m actually happy about it. At least there is something to occupy me mentally and physically now that things have come to such a state.

 

Anticipation.

It’s so hard to trust again.

People usually say that women’s sixth sense is the most accurate thing on earth, especially when it comes to their relationships. I really believe in it now.

I don’t know what I should do. Give up, move on or pretend nothing happened? I was thinking about all three and realised that I’m not strong enough to do all of them.

Irony.

Yes we do need more time to know each other better.

Been some time already but it seems as though time was wasted having fun instead of really trying to understand each other and learn what the other wants in life.

Now I refuse to be led by friends who might think that we should tie the knot as soon as possible, because I know that rushing into it might lead to us breaking up sooner or later.

It’s time we take a step back and view what’s happening.

Indeed, time is lost and youth is gone, but hey the feelings never do. I guess that’s enough.

I lost it twice this past week.

I lost my temper once on Friday at a student (which I deeply regretted), and once just this morning.

He is my best student now, excellent grades of his level and marked improvement in his behaviour. Which is probably why I am even more disappointed at what he said and did. I never expected him to physically and verbally dismiss me away, leaving me speechless and later on, furious. I lashed out at him, slammed my papers on the table and went red in the face. When I saw tears in his eyes while he was standing there, my heart wrenched. I guess this is also how parents feel when they had to verbally or physically punish or rubuke their children. It hurts. It really does. And when I thought about it while I was sitting in the staffroom trying not to cry myself (didn’t exactly succeeded), I realised that I care more for them than I thought I did. I always complain to others about them, how they drive me up the wall with their antics and behaviour. But never have I once thought that I care for them. A lot. This incident really made me think and feel.

This morning, I also lashed out at him. Granted, it was less severe and harsh with a lower volume, but a lashing out nevertheless. I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. We only have one more week together before he leaves for Taiwan. The thing is, we don’t even have the whole week. He would only be free on Saturday to Tuesday before he flies off on Wednesday. I tried to put it out of my mind these recent weeks, hoping that he can change his mind about going, or something happens so he doesn’t have to go after all. Unfortunately the days creep by without me knowing, and now it’s only a week away. This time, he has to go for 20 over days and I won’t even get to hear from him everyday because we’ve decided (me grudgingly) that we would chalk up huge bills if we did. Not exactly helping the savings plan we are on now for our marriage. So for a long-term concern, I had to swallow my objections and agree.

I don’t know what came over me these days. Mood swings and all are making me lose that quality time with him. And no, it’s not PMS, though that can probably be part of it. I guess I’m subconsiously rejecting the idea of him gone for so long that my body and mind are just reacting to him. I hope this won’t continue.

It’s been 3 months since the start of the year, and honestly I’m out of breath. Work’s been piling up and people I’m dealing with seem to be less nice as time goes by.  I’ve always found it amazing how people can say one thing to one person and a different thing to another person.  How do they manage their half-truths in front of so many different people?

I thought the coming week’s break would be a welcome change from the monotony of work life, but I was informed of a certain course I gotta go for during the week. I’m tired. Suddenly I feel as if the passion I had a year ago is now long gone.

Recently someone told me of certain job openings that actually sound pretty good. Of course, it’s a little too early to change jobs, especially because of the binding clause in my work now, but it does seem reasonable to take a look at other openings when you have lost passion and dedication to the current work. I really don’t know if I’ll continue this path of life, but I do know one thing: right now I’m getting my satisfaction from the kids, not the admin work, not the office politicking.

Let’s hope this satisfaction lasts.

Haven’t been updating for such a long time.

Many things to blog about, yet nothing I really want to say. I guess it’s because I suddenly come to realise that while writing down my thoughts enabled me to make certain decisions that are hard to make, it also means that I am crystallising my thoughts to an extent I cannot endure. To make it simple, it means I’m delusional. I can’t handle the truth sometimes.

It’s been months since I last updated, and boy, these few months have been a rollercoaster of joy, fear and hatred.

I am starting to settle in with my work now, and yup next year’s gonna be bad – confirmed by my superior about that. Well, so be it. If I can handle those new challenges, I’ll gladly take them up. If I can’t, I guess it says more about my actual ability and potential I have. Suddenly it doesn’t matter as much to me anymore if I can’t take up challenges at work. Why is this so? Him.

I’ve been focusing on my work and my almost-non-existent friendships and relationships, that I neglected to think and feel for the person who’s most important to me. He just started work himself and he’s been going through so much I can’t bear to write it down here. So much in terms of health, self-esteem and more. It hurts, to even think that he’s been keeping quiet about all these because he knows that I have a lot to handle in my work. Guilt just strikes when you least want it to.

And now, he has to go overseas for a short but dangerous trip. Granted, he won’t be gone forever, it’s only a couple of weeks, but when you hear of friends who have friends who died on that particular trip, you can’t help but worry. And most of my friends know I’m a worrywart. I tend to over-think at times and get myself into a frenzy for no reasons sometimes. But those friends who told me horror stories about this trip told me to pray for him, even though they know I’m not a Christian! Worry has officially turned to panic here. Seeing that there are just less than 4 days from this post, I’m seriously having a panic attack.

I tried cajoling, threatening, even forcing him to not go, but he told me of the grave consequences if he didn’t go. He will get kicked out of something he always wanted to do. I knew all of that deep inside, I guess I just purposely didn’t bother listening. I’m frantic. Frantically grasping at straws. Anything to make him stay.

Right now, I’m starting to accept the fact that he really is going on Thursday, New Year’s Day. I saw him pack his bags this afternoon. Refused to help, although I did mention some stuffs he should put in. I didn’t want to be a part of sending him away. But I know I will go to the airport that day. Although accepting of the fact, I’m still worried sick. And he hasn’t even gone yet. It’s not so much of the missing him part that I’m thinking of (although I will definitely miss him), but the worry for his safety is unsettling.

I know I should have trust in him. Trust that he can take care of himself over there.

I shall not talk to those friends who told me horror stories until he is back.

Mixed feelings now.

Glad that I have more time to myself for my own stuff, meeting friends and so on.

Sad that I start to hallucinate and imagine all sorts of disasters happening to him, especially when he can’t call.

I know I’m thinking too much; training’s tough, sure, but he’s tough too. He can get through it without any problem. I don’t know why I keep imagining the worst happening to him. Guess this dependency on him has been going on for some time…

9 months…

I’m scared.

I know it’s very silly of me, but I can’t help thinking what will happen if he’s no longer around. Why think that in the first place, you may ask. Another 2 weeks and he’ll be in a dangerous place doing a dangerous thing endangering his life.

I’m scared.

I keep having negative thoughts: What if I don’t get to see him again? What if I receive an sms in the middle of work, an sms informing me of bad news? I’ll collapse for sure.

I don’t know what’s making me behave this way actually. Paranoid, apprehensive, nervous, worried. Anything might happen while he’s out there. Especially the few months of training at first. It’ll be gruelling. The newspapers have always reported about people who collapsed during training and they don’t wake up again. What if the same thing happened? I wouldn’t know what to do.

I’m happy with him around. I can’t imagine life without him now, actually. He has become part of my routine, my habits, my life.

I wish I can tell him to retract his decision, but knowing him, he’ll go ahead. It’s too late to retract anyway.

No more nightmares please.

I came across a friend’s wife-to-be’s visual diary of their wedding preparations. The big day happens to be my friend’s birthday as well. The visual diary in the form of a blog will also be a surprise birthday present for him.

Looking at it makes me wistful and dreamy of my own marriage. Thus, I proposed the topic of rings. Then along with it came the subject of houses and a fight ensued. I don’t understand and I know you don’t either. We just don’t understand each other a lot. We have our own ways of thinking, our own styles of living, and we don’t seem to be able to compromise to a point where both of us can smile and say “well, ok then”.

It’s every girl’s wish to have her own dream wedding. I have my visions of a perfect wedding. But I know you are looking more towards the life after the wedding itself, which is definitely important. Still, I do wish that you can see from my lenses once in while, see that sometimes it’s not all about pride and investments. Yes, it’s your dream just as the other’s mine. And of course I want your dream to be fulfilled one day. Heck, I get to enjoy the benefits of your dream too. But since the date of your dream fulfilling is after the date of my dream fulfilling, can’t we look at mine first?

Selfish, you say. Yes I think I am too. Which girl is not selfish or possessive over something she has wanted for the longest time? No, I’m not comparing what we have to what other people have after reading what my friend’s wife-to-be has written. If I were, I would be demanding a lot from you by now. But think about it, have I ever demanded or even requested something that I know you cannot give me? You’ve always said I’m very practical, so if I’m really that practical, wouldn’t you think I would know what you can or cannot give?

It was meant to be a lighthearted discussion about something important. Not lighthearted as in frivolous or trivial, but lighthearted as in trying to plan something but without finality. It’s still too early to be talking about marriage, but seeing how friend after friend is getting engaged or married, I’m starting to feel hopeful of my own. But that conversation we had after was just demoralising. It brought me straight down to the harsh and blunt end of reality. I’m beginning to think that maybe my dream from young was just that, a dream. It’s my own fault, my own problem, for having such high hopes and expectations on you and on both of us. It was probably too good a thing to come true.

 

Continuing from the previous entry about dust settling, all the remnants I’ve mentioned that were still swirling before have now been cemented. That visual diary properly engraved every little speck of dust into the cement floor, never to be floating about again. And I thank it for helping me. Otherwise, now I would be still hoping for something that will never happen. It was tough to put it down, but I think now I can say I finally have.

So why are we still arguing about this? Can no compromise be reached at all? I’m scared.

The dust has finally settled.

An announcement out of the blue, electronic no less, has loudly exclaimed the end of my torture.

 

I feel relieved now. But there’s this nagging feeling in me. I don’t really know how to explain it, I just know that I’m uneasy. Maybe some remnants of dust are still swirling around in the aftermath, refusing to be put in place.

Sad. Relieved. Disappointed. Happy.

Mixed emotions, yeah. But these emotions are so strong that I feel as if  I’m being engulfed by them. My brain is telling me, good now it’s over you can finally put your heart at ease, no more worries. But my heart, the single organ that usually controls how I behave, is saying that I should try one last time. To go for it again. That would be dumb of me, seeing how hard it was for me to put it down in the first place. But I just can’t seem to accept this “settlement” with pleasure and ease, no matter how hard I try.

But I’m also happy. Not for myself though. I’m glad for the final outcome now although I’m not the one who benefitted the most from it.

 

I just want to say: Please take care. You always have a friend in me, regardless of what had happened. It’s over and no I won’t listen to my heart this time. All the best to you and I hope your decision is the best one you have ever made.